I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
