Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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