I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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