She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
