Dual....:-)
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
