dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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