he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
