The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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