remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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