you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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