Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
