I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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