Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
