Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
