Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
