I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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