Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize