why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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