i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
