I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
