Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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