my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
