Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
