sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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