How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
