i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
