I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
