i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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