I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
