I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
