I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
