Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
