You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mom said you looked used
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
