Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
