That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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