I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
