I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My dick has a subreddit
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
