Don't make out with my wife yet
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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