I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
