her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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