Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
