My liver just broke up with me...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize