I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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