I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
