Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
