everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
