I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
