i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
