Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
