like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
