a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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