i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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