i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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