im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
