No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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