I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
