My hand turned me down
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
