My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
