So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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