she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
