I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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