If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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